We are frustrated tabloid hacks with a common interest in red-hot monkey love and we wish to bring to you the stories that our editors dare not print. Read our profile page to find out more.
Celebrity Bestiality was published monthly from 1999 until 2003. Then, after a suggestion made at a somewhat regrettable social gathering, we went away to have a good, long, hard look at ourselves. Now we're back.
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OUR SHOCKING
MILLENNIUM SPECIAL
Issue 6 - December 1999 / January 2000
Hot on the heels of revelations that Michael Jackson is not the biological father of his 'children' comes this latest bombshell, set to turn the entertainment world on its ear.
1943 - It was on the set of 'Lassie Come Home' that Liz Taylor and Roddy McDowall first tasted the forbidden fruits of animal lust. It began as an innocent romp between the three key stars of the film, but soon turned into a lifetime obsession.
By the 1970's, Liz seemed to have purged her inner demons. With the exception of her twice-over marriage to 'party animal' Richard Burton, she looked to have well and truly beaten the bestiality bug. It was around this time however, that McDowall's obsession with the nature of the beast was taking a highly sinister and very public turn.
It was an open secret on the set of 'Planet of the Apes' that McDowall rarely needed make-up in his role as Dr. Cornelius. There was much talk of his recent experiments in genetic manipulation, but for the most part this was ignored 'for the good of the project'.
Little did they know that McDowall was not only injecting himself with simian DNA, but had also hatched a sinister plan to propagate the first 'intelligent' apes from his own loins. They would also have been shocked to learn that the other willing party in this affront to nature was the woman judged by McDowall to be the pinnacle of American womanhood - Elizabeth Taylor.
It took many attempts (and many failures) before their unnatural union finally bore fruit - but in 1983 a small and select gathering at Los Angeles Zoo watched Liz give birth to their first and only child.
Brought up in a top-secret government laboratory, the 'intelligence' of the man-ape proved to be a singular disappointment. Funding was immediately withdrawn and responsibility soon fell on the Hollywood community to house the ape-like urchin.
It was subsequently judged by the existing Hollywood cartel that 'the best place to hide the infant was in plain sight'. Thus the decision to introduce the child as the 'pet' of the most popular music star of the time, and close personal friend of Liz Taylor, Michael Jackson. The legend of 'Bubbles' was born - but trouble lay ahead.
Before too long, the true genetic nature of the creature made itself known. Soon, Bubbles was not only demanding equal air-time to the Peter Pan of Pop, but also writing credit for many of his songs. This was the final straw. In his now-famous outburst, Jackson proclaimed that "I'm the star! Not that chimp!" Again, true to genetic form, Bubbles slugged Jackson - whereupon the hapless half-breed was sent to a private zoo where he resides to this day.
A gilded cage it may be - but a cage it remains for the offspring once thought by many to be 'the future of Hollywood, if not mankind'. Bubbles now spends his days writing largely unappreciated screenplays and corresponding with his nearest peers, most notably Clyde of 'Any Which Way But Loose' fame.
He is now in the process of writing an autobiography that he hopes will lead to his eventual freedom and the 'domination of the human species'.