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STAR CROSSED LOVERS
Issue 10 - May 2000
Since our Millennium Special, we made a promise to ourselves that we would leave Michael Jackson alone - at least until he finished his final album. Besides, what could possibly top his 'secret' sex session with a pony, a monkey, a llama and a parrot?
What indeed?
In a shock move, Michael is now set to marry for a third time to long-time love ET the Extra Terrestrial. While no earthly precedent has been set for such a union, sources close to Michael inform us that he is not to be deterred by such concerns.
"Our love has always been true" he said to a close pal, "if there is a way to confirm it in the eyes of the law, I will find it. The authorities may consider him an illegal alien, but I find him highly desirable."
Immigration issues aside, the legality of intimate relations between species from different planets is yet to be clearly defined on earth, but an unnamed southern senator assured us it was "indeed bestiality ... in its most obscene form".
Several Las Vegas chapels we approached for comment assured us that "anything is legal for fifty bucks", but rumours abound that Michael instead plans to use his millions to build a 'musical peace platform' in space. This will not only allow him to marry ET outside of the '25,000 mile limit' - and therefore under intergalactic law - but also provide an orbiting refuge for lovers of all species. (We admit that this scenario is highly unlikely, as while this certainly won't be the first case of a monkey in space it must be close to impossible to train a llama to use a zero-gravity toilet.)
However, even if the marriage is possible - and technically legal - the move is unlikely to win over Michael's already disillusioned fans, and is sure to end ET's lucrative advertising deal with British Telecom.
Drew Barrymore could not be reached for comment.