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Celebrity Bestiality was published monthly from 1999 until 2003. Then, after a suggestion made at a somewhat regrettable social gathering, we went away to have a good, long, hard look at ourselves. Now we're back.
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NICK'S SLICK
CHICK TRICK
Issue 15 - October 2000
"Don't jump around, or you'll be on the dining room table in the morning."
"Don't bite me or you die!"
These were the chilling words that woke Marjorie the chicken on a night of terror that, until now, remained the best kept secret of the UK production of Big Brother.
Breaking her silence at a dramatic press conference, Marjorie spilled her guts about the real reason why Nick was ejected from the household; relating a tale of sex, lust and greed that almost brought the entire production to a screaming halt.
According to her allegations, Nick did indeed have a mobile phone inside the house, and it was through this contact with the outside world that he discovered the notorious 'sex bounty' offered by sponsors of the show.
"Nick was determined to have that money," stated the henpecked housemate "but he knew very well that if he had sex with another contestant, then they would get half of the cash."
The fact that the highest bounty was offered for congress in the chicken coop must have been the clincher for Nick. By having his way with one of the hens, he could claim the highest amount of prize money and not have to share a penny. Luckily for Marjorie, Nick chose the wrong night to act on his plan.
"Darren and Craig came out to confront Nick about some pieces of paper that they had found," sobbed the distraught hen, "and thank God they arrived when they did".
It was at this time that the live video feeds were hastily shut down by production staff once they realised the true horror of what had been discovered.
Nasty Nick is now famous as the perfect pantomime villain and the irony isn't lost on Marjorie, whose closing statement said it all: "If someone had been there to yell 'behind you', this might never have happened."
(Big Brother is a Bazal production for Channel 4.)