We are frustrated tabloid hacks with a common interest in red-hot monkey love and we wish to bring to you the stories that our editors dare not print. Read our profile page to find out more.
Celebrity Bestiality was published monthly from 1999 until 2003. Then, after a suggestion made at a somewhat regrettable social gathering, we went away to have a good, long, hard look at ourselves. Now we're back.
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COURT ON THE TROT
Issue 25 - August 2001
Acting on an emergency protection court order, RSPCA inspectors and police yesterday staged a dawn raid on the home of Alan and Judith Kilshaw, taking a dog, three gerbils and numerous pot-bellied pigs into protective custody.
The move by the courts follows an attempt by the Kilshaws to adopt an army of cats from an animal shelter in Bolivia. Unconfirmed reports suggest that the cats were to be used in satanic rituals to bring television executives under their evil influence and secure Judith a job as a television chat show host.
The pot-bellied pigs in particular have been isolated for individual counselling following claims of sexual abuse, an allegation that Alan Kilshaw denies.
"We've been stitched up by the media," complained Mr Kilshaw in an early morning radio interview.
"Having been advised by Max Clifford of the need to look good for the cameras, Judith has recently been engaged in a perfectly harmless and valid form of facial therapy known as pig-kissing."
Celebrity Bestiality can confirm that the act of pig-kissing is quite common, and is an activity often used by charities to raise money - but we do question the legality of the 'full tongue' technique described by some sickened residents of the Flintshire town of Buckley.
"The high-pitched cries as she chases the pigs around the yard are quite disturbing," claimed one, "But it's even worse when they stop, because you know that she has the poor creature in a scissor lock with her tongue down its throat."
"I can't see the benefit of it, myself", said another, "Though she's been at it for weeks, she still has a face like a cat's bum and if anything the pigs are getting uglier... personally, I'm glad somebody squealed."