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Celebrity Bestiality was published monthly from 1999 until 2003. Then, after a suggestion made at a somewhat regrettable social gathering, we went away to have a good, long, hard look at ourselves. Now we're back.
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MARIAH: THE TRUTH
Issue 26 - September 2001
After a media circus of manipulation and misinformation, Celebrity Bestiality can finally reveal the truth behind Mariah Carey's alleged 'suicide' bid.
Unlike Britney "where the hell is Australia anyway?" Spears, Mariah is very familiar with the land down under, and has visited on many occasions to soak up the atmosphere and get friendly with the locals. In fact, rumour has it that she had two wombats, a possum and a platypus illegally shipped into LA to help her hit the high notes on the 'Emotions' album.
The cause behind Mariah's recent exhaustion was her ongoing battle to top the high note that famously opened garage doors across the country. In fact, in order to avoid overexposing herself and fulfil her obligations to new label Virgin, Mariah planned to record an entire album that was beyond the range of human hearing.
For this, she felt she needed to experiment further with Australian fauna in the studio. A vast animal smuggling operation soon followed which saw Mariah recording whilst caressing koalas, tickling echidnas and nuzzling numbats - but the project came to a screaming halt when sound recordists staged a mass walkout after a Tasmanian Pademelon bit an assistant technician on the buttocks. It was at this stage that Mariah withdrew from public engagements and continued her research in private.
Finally we come to that fateful night in an LA hotel room where, like so many pop stars before her, Mariah began experimenting with barracudas.
Had she consulted an expert, Mariah would have found that barracudas are not unique to Australia. Had she gone to the trouble of asking a common fisherman, she might well have discovered that they can be found in tropical and subtropical waters of the Atlantic, Indian, and Pacific oceans. Indeed, had she read even the briefest article on the subject, she would have learned that barracudas have sharp, canine-like teeth that can slice victims to pieces.
Even a single barracuda can sever arteries or veins, and victims of such bites often die rapidly from blood loss. Mariah can count herself lucky that the creature attacked as soon as she attempted to lift it out of its tank. Had she attempted a full duet, she may well have achieved that elusive 'higher than high' note, but only at the cost of her life.