We are frustrated tabloid hacks with a common interest in red-hot monkey love and we wish to bring to you the stories that our editors dare not print. Read our profile page to find out more.
Celebrity Bestiality was published monthly from 1999 until 2003. Then, after a suggestion made at a somewhat regrettable social gathering, we went away to have a good, long, hard look at ourselves. Now we're back.
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HOLDEN BACK THE TEARS
Issue 29 - December 2001
We met our informant in a small pub adjacent to Hampstead Heath. She claimed to be a housekeeper at the Dennis/Holden household, and as she clearly smelled of Domestos and carried a roll of kitchen towels, we had no cause to doubt her. (Marigold rubber gloves in winter???! What was she thinking?! )
"Now, I've got nothing against the missus", said our informant, producing the first photo, "But dear Les is quite plainly shaken by this state of affairs, so I thought it best to bring it out into the open."
We studied the first photo as she went on to reveal that the seemingly innocent Amanda Holden was actually a kinky animal-sex fiend, the likes of which we had never seen before.
Bestiality clearly has its place in a modern and tolerant society (as does femdom roleplay between consenting adults), but what kind of human being would subject a Shitzu to hardcore strap-on sex?
We were shocked -even more so when our informant continued her revelations.
"It were heartbreaking, to see her chase the little hamsters" she said, producing the second photograph.
As she went on to describe Amanda's latest diversion (cruelly tormenting up to a dozen hamsters at a time by chasing them on a giant wheel with her strap-on attached and tube of lubricant at the ready) tears welled in her eyes and we felt compelled to stretch our budget to a second round. As the triple shot of Jack Daniels hit her belly, she relaxed enough to tell us about the incident that finally convinced her to reveal her story to the world.
"She 'ad a builder in to create a bigger and better hamster wheel; big enough to take a Doberman", she sobbed, "And, and the builder bought a... a…"
At this stage, our informant broke down yet again.
"That sweet little cat. That poor innocent kitten!" was all she managed to say as she produced the third and final photograph - that of the builder involved. Seeing the photograph changed this reporter's life forever. Never again would reporting on the world of celebrity bestiality be the same.
Clearly, measures would have to be put in place to ensure that we never again took the word of a crackpot at face value, nor waste close to twenty pounds worth of bourbon wheedling out the 'story'.
What a crock!! I was going to spend that money on the latest "Now That's What I Call Music" CD. Bitch.