We are frustrated tabloid hacks with a common interest in red-hot monkey love and we wish to bring to you the stories that our editors dare not print. Read our profile page to find out more.
Celebrity Bestiality was published monthly from 1999 until 2003. Then, after a suggestion made at a somewhat regrettable social gathering, we went away to have a good, long, hard look at ourselves. Now we're back.
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RED-HOT RYDER (AND THE CONTRABAND INSIDE HER)
Issue 30 - January 2002
On Tuesday December 11th 2001, Winona Ryder was arrested for shoplifting in a Saks Fifth Avenue boutique. This was the result of some ill-advised research for an upcoming movie role and her first such offence - or so 'they' would have you believe...
Whispers abound in Hollywood of Winona being caught in the act numerous times, but only by those unable or unwilling to press charges against such a big star. Sadly, these rumours are going largely unreported. Celebrity Bestiality, however, is not afraid to tell the truth. We can confirm that this shoplifting expedition was an isolated incident, but only in that it was the first such offence involving clothing.
In 1994, a pet-store owner in Los Angeles noted with some excitement that the customer browsing the cages was indeed the diminutive and vulnerable actress, then starring in the teen-angst movie 'Reality Bites'. She politely agreed to sign an autograph, but then quickly left the store. It was only then that the store-owner noted that three of his best ferrets were missing.
This candid snap of Winona Ryder was taken in 1996. It clearly shows the actress leaving yet another LA pet-store, wearing what can only be described as a 'shoplifting coat'. Had the photographer entered the store after taking this picture, he might well have discovered that the telltale bulges in her sleeves were caused by close to a dozen stolen ferrets clambering for freedom.
In 1999, the Holiday Ferret Expo in Pennsauken NJ was abuzz with rumours of an unscheduled appearance by a Hollywood movie star. When officials approached the woman in question, she claimed merely to be a professional Winona Ryder look-alike, and no more was thought of the matter - until it was discovered that several ferrets (including three competition favourites for the Breeder's Classic) had failed to return from their regular training run.
Not even Miss Ryder's red-carpet surprise at the 73rd Annual Academy Awards rang alarm bells. When a playful ferret leapt out of her ample bosom in full view of the world's photographers, she hastily explained it away as 'a cruel prank by that bastard, Depp'. All those present readily accepted the explanation, but a viewer watching at home in nearby South Central clearly recognised the ferret as his own. He rushed to check the animal's cage and discovered that it was indeed empty. In the ferret's place was a hastily scrawled note that read; 'Please help me to stop! I'm not a bad person! Oh God, please help me to stop!'
The owner's desperate and tearful call to the police went unheeded. When he made his way to the Shrine Auditorium to confront the ferret-napping star, he was promptly arrested and put on heavier medication.
Winona Ryder is scheduled to appear in Beverly Hills Superior Court on January 11th, 2002. We strongly urge all those who may have been deprived of their ferrets by Miss Ryder to come forward before this date, as Celebrity Bestiality will be arranging a rally on the steps of the courthouse to alert the world's press. Please do advise us if you wish to attend, as there are a limited number of 'WINONA RYDER STOLE MY FERRET' placards available.
