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Celebrity Bestiality was published monthly from 1999 until 2003. Then, after a suggestion made at a somewhat regrettable social gathering, we went away to have a good, long, hard look at ourselves. Now we're back.
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VICTORIA'S QUICKIES
WITH THE SWEET
GREEN AND STICKY
Issue 36 - July 2002
Intercourse between well-known public figures and creatures of the animal, bird or insect kingdom is all very well and good, but once celebrities start messing with DNA (as was the case with the tragic Roddy McDowall) we here at Celebrity Bestiality tend to get a little concerned about the balance of nature.
It is for this reason that we reproduce the following picture (that arrived at our offices via anonymous email) without seeking further proof or clarification. We feel that it is our duty as journalists to halt this madness, whatever the 'truth' may be.
As you can see, the picture clearly shows ex-pop-star Victoria Beckham in what appears to be a glass cage full of insects. Using a book on insect biology, we identified each of the types of insects in the picture - and then combined this information with our unrivalled expertise in the world of celebrities, their perversions and diversions.
What follows is the listing of the insects identified, and the possible reasons why Victoria Beckham might be attempting to alter her DNA with these insects via the dubious method of proximal osmosis.
Praying Mantids (Family Mantidae)
To help Victoria attain her ideal head and body shape.
Stick Insects (Family Phasmatidae)
To keep herself perennially brown (as opposed to green) and, presumably, to help her fight the urge to reach around and bite David's head off during the vinegar strokes.
Honey Bees (Family Apidae)
To improve her dancing.
(We could not identify any insect that might improve her singing, but as we only have one photo to go on, we theorise that there is at least one cicada in the cage that remains hidden from view. Possibly nestled in her armpit, patiently awaiting the arrival of high summer.)
We can only hope that our theories are wrong (based as they are on limited evidence and wild conjecture) but if they are true, then we can expect the Victoria of the future to look something like the image below.
What effect this will have on her behaviour is uncertain at present, but if the Praying Mantis and Stick Insect DNA are most dominant, she may well spend much of her time hanging motionless in plants, shrubs, or trees. If not, we would advise all fans to avoid dressing in bright colours and/or carrying flowers when in her presence.
You have been warned.