We are frustrated tabloid hacks with a common interest in red-hot monkey love and we wish to bring to you the stories that our editors dare not print. Read our profile page to find out more.
Celebrity Bestiality was published monthly from 1999 until 2003. Then, after a suggestion made at a somewhat regrettable social gathering, we went away to have a good, long, hard look at ourselves. Now we're back.
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HIT BY GRAVY
ONE MORE TIME
Issue 37 - August 2002
The bovine community is notoriously secretive about celebrities who may or may not enjoy their company. With archaic laws in place restricting relationships betwixt man and beast, a wall of silence remains their only defence against persecution by the public and prosecution by the authorities.
Though many an angry whisper resulted from recent images of Darius Danesh eating a burger, the veil of secrecy remained intact. Until that is, the rumours of a possible sponsorship deal with McDonalds took hold and outrage spilled into the media.
Numerous cows called radio stations anonymously and threatened to boycott any broadcaster with the latest smash hit single Colourblind on their playlist. Many stations, aware of the value of the early morning milking demographic, complied.
Tabloids soon took an interest, leading to the sensational ambush in Soho last week, when an army of paparazzi confronted Darius as he emerged from a casual encounter in a public lavatory.
The usual bestiality-bashing headlines followed, and what began as a leak of information soon became a torrent, as tempers flared and tabloid cheques beckoned. Many ex-partners came forward to express their outrage over the hypocrisy of a known cow lover openly promoting beef consumption.
"We will be cowed no longer," said one, "Secrecy serves no purpose when an issue threatens us all."
"We must be seen and not herd."
The Darius camp soon went into damage control, denying all knowledge of a deal with McDonalds and claiming that the burger in question was actually of the veggie variety, but the damage was done. The secret was out.
Sought for questioning by Scotland Yard, Darius was forced to flee the country and head for L.A.
It was from here that he gave the now famous interview with Newsnight, introducing the world to his lifetime partner Bessie, who chose to stand by his side despite the reports of numerous casual encounters.
"It's the lifestyle we lead," she moo-ed calmly, "Darius has no problems with my being milked by countless strange men, and I equally respect his right to place his milking stool wherever he damn well pleases. As for the whole burger nonsense, I didn't believe it for a second."
"My love for cows is deep and profound," said Darius, "I want the world to know that I love Bessie for who she is, not how she tastes on a sesame-seed bun."