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NIGELLA LAWSON'S LOBSTER TRIANGLE OF LOVE
Issue 38 - September 2002
What began with a near tragedy in The Ivy restaurant has now blossomed into a romance that's the sensation of the London. Late last month, Gordon Ramsey and Charles Saatchi were having a blazing row over the arrival of an oversized lobster that the cooking staff had dubbed 'Trevor'. Charles insisted that the creature be transformed into an art installation. Gordon, as you might expect, insisted that the lobster do its bit and serve as lunch.
The argument turned to blows. According to witnesses, Trevor fell against the main cooker and was badly scalded by boiling hot water. Saatchi swept into action, hosing the poor creature down with cool water and reviving him.
At that moment, Nigella Lawson arrived for lunch with Charles. She took the creature home and, as you're probably already aware, has spent the last week doing her best to avoid the press and nurse him back to health. Subsequent rumours of a deeper relationship have infuriated Saatchi, who has yet to marry Lawson or make a public statement regarding the depth of his commitment to her.
In a short statement to the press, Trevor has revealed that he blames Saatchi for the incident more than hotheaded chef Gordon Ramsay.
"Ramsay was only doing his job," said Trevor, half-cooked but still full of fight, "Saatchi just wanted me for his mantelpiece!"
When questioned on the intimacy of his relationship with Nigella, Trevor refused to be drawn and simply said, "I may have a primitive nervous system, but I also have feelings. I cannot say more for now."
As it turned out, this tight-lipped approach was meant mainly to preserve the exclusivity of the story for OK! Magazine, who have reportedly paid the couple in excess of one million pounds.
However, the eight-page photo feature, on newsstands this week, has caused considerable uproar.
One concerned reader summed up public feeling best when she wrote to The Sun, saying: "It's clear that Nigella loves her food. She almost orgasms at the mere sight of freshly made cookie-dough, so I can only imagine the depth of her feelings for Trevor. However I, like most people, feel angry that the matter has been handled so commercially. We've had to wait an entire week for all the juicy details, just so Nigella and Trevor could make an obscene amount of money. Not fair, Nigella! I hope you boil in hell, Trevor!"