We are frustrated tabloid hacks with a common interest in red-hot monkey love and we wish to bring to you the stories that our editors dare not print. Read our profile page to find out more.
Celebrity Bestiality was published monthly from 1999 until 2003. Then, after a suggestion made at a somewhat regrettable social gathering, we went away to have a good, long, hard look at ourselves. Now we're back.
The latest article always appears on the front page. All past articles are accessible via the main archive.
Of course you may send us email. We'd love to hear from you. Just no spam, please:
SUSANNAH AND TRINNY WENT TO THE ZOO
Issue 42 - January 2003
Fashion bitch goddesses Susannah And Trinny have reportedly shocked crowds by going on a fashion rampage at London Zoo.
The trouble began when the duo arrived to clear the front gate and most immediate areas of the zoo, simply by picking and choosing the best targets for withering comments.
Weekend dads and new mothers alike ran for cover.
Soon they were more or less in control of the complex, as staff feared to approach them in their shabby and ill-fitting uniforms.
It was about this time that the 'cruel to be kind' queens of television entered the petting zoo to corner several stranded children, two sheep and a donkey.
Helpless parents locked outside the enclosure could only beg their children not to look, and please, not to listen. But it was too late. The children were reduced to tears as the evil duo relentlessly mocked their lowly washed-out hand-me-downs, before quickly making their way past the shattered crowd and out the north entrance. They were last seen arguing with a leather merchant in Camden Market, and are presumed at large.
It should be pointed out at this stage that - while one elephant did get excited at the prospect of eating what he presumed to be smuggled peanuts - no animals were harmed or interfered with at any stage during this bizarre episode.
Still, it seemed such a jolly strange thing to do...