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Issue 47 - January 2007

Britney and her beaver

Citizens! Be on your guard!

Police and the FBI have issued a coast-to-coast Skank Warning following the news that celebrity slattern Britney Spears' beaver is on the loose, running amok amongst a frightened populace on a desperate search for the one thing it craves; wood.

"Oops, I did it again," said the arse-faced popstrel shortly before her arrest for cliché abuse, "no man was meant to see my beaver, but it gave me the slip during its weekly shave and de-greasing. Only fresh wood will sate my beaver's appetite now, and it will not rest until it has been well and truly filled."

Police confirm the Trailer Trash Queen's beaver is somewhere in the public domain, along with a pair of water voles and a ferret which she kept concealed, without a valid licence, in various bodily orifices. Unable to provide a recent description of Spears' missing beaver, law enforcement officials instead draw the public's attention to grainy CCTV footage of Spears in a pet shop changing room, trying an otter for size, ramming it home in a manner that would, in the normal circumstance invalidate the 16-day money back guarantee.

Asked why the video footage had been time-stamped June 2001, and that the picture appeared to go fuzzy just as Spears' beaver comes into focus, police admitted after repeated cock-punches that "We've had top men working on this footage. For five years. Repeatedly."

"This woman should be stopped" said an angry Sheriff Rusty Badge, "no animal is safe with her voracious beaver on the loose.

"And don't give me that 'I'm Not a Girl, Not Yet a Woman' rubbish" he added, "In the eyes of the law she is nothing but a Groundhog Fiddler, and God-fearing decent folk should be able to stroke their horses' appendages without fear of vile rodentophiles such us Spears forcing their spare mice where the sun don't shine."

But what could have forced Spears and her beaver to go on this slightly moistened rampage across the bedrooms of American male college students aged between 18 and 21?

Increasingly bored by legions of rutting dwarves she had written into her record contract on a whim, and frustrated by former husband Cleetus Federline's frantic, blinkered quest for 'girth', the discovery of her former beau pleasuring an Ox in the disabled toilets in WalMart, was the final straw for the trailer trash diva.

Whilst members of the general public might seek solace in a donkey, or even a goat, the vengeful Spears unleashed her semi-aquatic rodent onto unsuspecting society at large, watching with barely suppressed laughter as it launched itself at the rock-hard wood of American youth, backing up her attack with carefully inserted squirrels.

Citizens! If you value your wood, or if you fear for your nuts, this woman must be stopped before American youth succumbs to her foul mammalian lust. If you see this woman's beaver, please send photographic evidence to us at Celebrity Bestiality, and we'll forward it to the proper authorities, just as soon as we've finished with it. In about five years' time.