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WADE AND KEMP: STRENGTH THROUGH DIVERSITY
Issue 48 - February 2007
TV hard-man Ross Kemp hides a terrible secret. A secret kept from the public eye thanks to the efforts of his beloved wife, the fragrant Rebekah Wade, editor of popular high-brow opinion-forming newspaper, The Sun. His freakishly long neck and arms - the result of a cruel and unusual medical procedure in his youth involving an all-banana diet and frequent injections of monkey spunk - has left Britain's favourite soap villain with the impressive ability to change the head gasket on a car using only his feet, but the associated shame of having to carry a signed letter from his doctor proving that he is at least 75% human.
The clear Silverback in their relationship, and the Alpha Male in any group of actors, he once chased David Attenborough up a tree outside an awards ceremony in London's Leicester Square, after the respected documentary-maker made unguarded remarks about the PG Tips chimps in Kemp's presence. Unaware that Grunt Mitchell was on intimate terms with at least three of their number, and had personally allowed members of the troupe pick fleas out of Rebekah's fiery-red pubic mound, Attenborough considers himself lucky to have escaped with only minor rectal lesions.
The depth of love between this first couple of British celebrity is so great, that the luscious, pouting Rebekah not only tolerates her husband's freakish, hideous deformities and his appetite for red-hot Simian love-making, but she actively encourages him. They are known to spend passionate evenings making out in front of Planet of the Apes DVDs, Wade, encouraging him to fellate the orang-utans she sources for him from her publication's readership, begging him to wear the Chewbacca suit.
It's not a suit, but then, every husband keeps something from the wife. Such is the deep, all-consuming love for his beautiful wife, he is able reciprocate her more than tolerant attitude to his jungle-style 'bonding sessions', using his connections in the seedy underworld of the exotic animal community to sate Rebekah's lust for all things mammalian.
For those weekend evenings where a big, hulking, chest-thumping cockney gorilla towering over her saying those three magic words ("It's familee, innit?") just aren't enough, caring, loving Ross has access to an unending supply of willing flesh, for those times where only an elephant's trunk up the chuff will do.
At a moment's notice, the Ultimate Force star is able to call up one of his gangland contacts, and supply a writhing, lightly-oiled Rebekah with anything from a rampant bisexual pachyderm to a pod of scat-fetishist dolphins sporting the latest Frankie Dettori-designed strap-ons.
This free-and-easy relationship with Mother Nature and her depraved children is wreaking a terrible toll on this loving couple. Unaware of the genetic science of proximal osmosis, the gargling of gallons of elephant's gravy is beginning to affect Wade and Ross at the most basic of levels, re-writing their DNA with devastating effects.
Their genetic make-up already altered by their depraved nights of lust, Wade is forced to attend editorial meetings at The Sun with her thrashing bun-hungry elephant trunk concealed down the back of her trousers, whilst only hideously expensive surgery at a clinic in the West Midlands has managed to remove any trace of the effects of regular injections of camel.
Kemp, on the other hand, can consider himself lucky to be immune to the effects of proximal osmosis. Despite even regular injections of gorilla DNA, his legions of fans will note no discernable difference to his on-screen persona. The only thing he fears is turning ginger.