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NOEL EDMONDS:
EEL OR NO EEL?
Issue 49 - March 2007
The world of light entertainment has been rocked to its very foundation by the news that one of its most popular stars likes nothing more than to fiddle with the dangly parts of poor, defenceless creatures for his own perverted pleasure. No matter how famous he may be, what one man gets up to his the privacy of his own bedroom - or even, in the privacy of his own swimming pool with the local rentboys and all the drugs in the world - would normally be of no interest to the man on the street. But the world needs to know about this fungus-faced fish-fiddler, as we ask the question:
Eel or no Eel?
Loved by young, old and mentally unstable alike, we point the finger at Edmonds. Top Man jumpers, neatly coiffured and full of comforting chat for a tea-time audience he may be, but the sad truth is that without something long, thin and fishy where the sun don't shine, he can barely make it out of the house.
His contract rider - leaked to us by a shocked studio insider - clearly stipulates (and we quote) "A selection of creatures of the order Anguilliformes, ranging in size and girth from Spaghetti Eels to the European Conger, to be used depending on Mr Edmonds' mood and elasticity. The talent will provide his own lubrication".
Students of Edmonds' tea-time hit TV show - hoping for the day that the one box in 100,000 saying "Punch Noel Edmonds in the face" will turn up - will note that the greater the flapping bulge at the back of Noel's trousers, the greater the prize for the contestant. On the occasion that the £250,000 jackpot was won, transmission of the programme was delayed for six weeks while post-production staff removed a ten foot specimen from the footage frame-by-frame.
Edmonds' descent into the murky world of eel pleasure is nothing new. For years the man disgusted the nation each and every Saturday evening with 'Noel's Mouse Party'. A terrified studio audience - sourced entirely from Her Majesty's Prisons and Registered Nut Houses - was forced to witness scenes of rodent abuse which forced the British public into collective amnesia in order to forget the sight of his weekly Gotcha victim having live gerbils fired up their back passage from a cannon. Only Edmonds' protégé Keith Chegwin went back for more, going on to corrupt the nation's youth further with 'Cheggers Plays Ponies'.
And then: Nelly Addicts. How the authorities allowed this one to go on for so long defies belief. Week upon week, Edmonds and his filthy, perverted crew would break into the same travelling circus and disport themselves in the vilest manner possible with one of the performing elephants.
It is clear that Edmonds' sole purpose in life is to flaunt his hideous peccadilloes in front of a shocked nation, and then rubbing it in by opening a theme park and dressing up in a rubber 'Blobby' suit packed to the gills with hamsters and koi carp.
Best to just let him get on with it, truth be told.