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Celebrity Bestiality was published monthly from 1999 until 2003. Then, after a suggestion made at a somewhat regrettable social gathering, we went away to have a good, long, hard look at ourselves. Now we're back.

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Issue 50 - April 2007


A nation reels in shock from the news that Prince William has split from his long-term girlfriend Kate Middleton in order to rediscover they joys of self abuse and internet pornography.

That is the story fed to us by the Buckingham Palace press office, cunningly spinning the story to hide the true facts from a stunned British public, hiding a truth that the Royal Family has kept secret for generations. A truth so heinous that Miss Middleton, as a mere commoner, had to be shunted out of the way in order to save the Family dreadful embarrassment several years down the line.

The awful truth: If it's got four legs, then it's had a royal shaft stuck up its bung-hole, and Princes Harry and William are no exception.

Coming to terms with the fact that their father cashed in a life sentence married to Skeletor's mentally unbalanced sister for a cosy dotage in a stable stuck up a former Grand National winner, they have flung themselves into a family tradition started by Prince Albert with no little gusto.

Charles, of course, knew it was all over with his first wife the day he caught her licking out his mother's corgis on the sly. Unable to look her in the eye ever again, she was cast out of the Royal Family's inner sanctum, the words "At least I'm not a raving doggy dyke!" and "Back the Shire Horse up just a little bit more, Burrell, and somebody fetch a stepladder" ringing in her ears.

As older son of the Prince of Wales, young William has been worrying sheep since the day his voice dropped; while his younger brother has exhibited more exotic tastes, becoming a regular incognito visitor to the reptile house at London Zoo, where nothing beats a nice bit of red hot gecko action. It's in the eyes, the filthy sluts.

Whilst the otherwise shy, retiring William is quite happy with his duties servicing the Regimental Mascot in preparation for his future stint as King, he can relax in the knowledge that he will not have to follow his great-grandfather King George VI - as the last Emperor of India - in the ceremonial "Elephant Trunking" that such a position entailed, a ceremony which forced the abdication of Edward VIII in 1936. Queen Victoria, however, enjoyed the Trunking ceremony so much, she made it her duty to undertake it twice daily, until accidentally split asunder one sad and messy day in 1901.

Prince Harry, unlike his older brother, has already adjusted to a life as Fluffer to the future King, and is already using his Sandhurst education and Army experience in the pursuit of his carnal duties.

Having volunteered for duty in Iraq, he has already asked his superior officer what the men of the regiment do when they are off duty.

"It's simple, Wales," says the Colonel, "We use the camel."

"Too right, sir, I can't wait to get nuts deep in the filthy little beggar."

"No, Wales, we use it to ride into town."

Prince Harry prepares for a service in Iraq